Garbage - Temptation Waits
not sure
I don't know exactly what I want to say.
Life is gonna get really crazy, really soon. It's been insanely hard already - harder than I ever imagined it could be. But I've had some really, truly, uniquely amazing friends to throw me life preservers in this chaotic sea.
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the next three months of my life will bring me...all I know is that this summer will be fraught with chaos and uncertainty. And my duty as a priestess is looking me right in the face. I have to go away for a while.
The last month has been hell, and the month before that was ten times worse. I've struggled to keep sight of myself as more and more people around me join "the Cult of Wyatt"....it seems like there's been a resurgence in the veneration of someone that never existed. Only in the last couple of days have I started to see the old Mandy - the Mandy all of you know and love - beginning to return. And I have to be honest....I have a few really amazing, really supportive friends online that only want to see me happy - and I feel the same about them. But being online is a constant reminder of my failures, a constant reminder of what I was and apparently no longer am. Being reminded every day of what I no longer have is too much for me. I need to go away for a while.
I need to focus on my studies and on my quest to become a full-fledged godwoman. I need to focus on the spiritual and get away as much as possible from the technological baubles of Midgard. To do that, I have to forget about this blog. I wasn't sure what purpose I wanted it to serve anyway. My life has changed and my focus has changed. I no longer have need of this blog.
To my friends, though....you all have done so much for me and I'd never abandon you. I'll still read your blogs regularly and I want you all to remember that I'm just an email away, *especially* if you need me. I'm anxious to help all of you as much as you've helped me.
To everyone else....good luck. I'm cheering you on.
Goodbye.
+ Mandy updated @ 11:57 PM
Hedningarna - Skane
tired
Tonight Josie and I went out and held our Midsummer blessing. We went to Strouds originally...and oh my...the woods were so freakin dark under the canopy. The moonlight just bounced off the thick fog and the air was totally thick with spiritual energy. But....I saw a sign that said "park closes at 11" and knowing how much people in Ohio love to try to get people arrested for enjoying the woods whenever they can, Josie and I headed back to campus and hit a park near South Green. Leaving the dark woods and all the land-wights she was hoping to encounter made her really sad.
I learned that if I worry too much, Josie blames herself for too much. We make quite a pair.
Back when I was just a simple kitchen witch, I saw holding the blessings of the year as a chore. I hardly ever did it - I saw no point in it. But now that I'm Heathen and I actually feel a real connection to my religion, I'm starting to see the holding of blessings as pretty necessary. Especially after tonight...wow. I watched Josie walk out of that grove totally energized - she was like "wanna run?" and took off down by the old riverbed someplace. I just kind of followed her, lost in a happy trance of my own. I felt connection with the divine...and I felt love. Powerful love. It was amazing. I'm so happy I found a niche of my own....
+ Mandy updated @ 5:26 AM
Sarah McLachlan - Adia
awake and not much else
It's kinda been a decisive few days....
As many of you probably know, Nicole lost her job. Yep, it's official. Our lease ends here at Riverbog at the end of this month and we're going back to stay at her place. I promised her I'd stick it out with her and that's what I'm gonna try to do. What about me, you ask? I won't lie, it's gonna be tough. Josie healed me again last night and she said that my couple of days at Nicole's parents added a lot of negativity that wasn't there before I left. I made it a point to mention that I was trans again to Nicole's mom and I think she may finally be starting to get the hint...maybe. We'll see. Anyway, it's gonna be worth it because Nicole found us a kinda nice place in Columbus that's really cheap. It's near Easton mall - and near Rameana and Lindsey. If we could find jobs in Columbus - which is much easier, of course, than finding them in Athens - we'd be all set!
Josie's here for another week. Her plane leaves out next Friday so I've at least got that long with her. She can do amazing things...especially if you're hurt or afraid or weak. She has some of the most positive and nurturing energy I've ever felt. We'll be celebrating Midsummer this coming week - I guess just the two of us - although anyone is welcome to join us. I'd like to light a bonfire and have a maypole - since those things are kinda, ya know, tradition, but we'll have to make do with what we've got...instead of a kindred, we've got two Heathens, instead of a bonfire we'll have portable food, and instead of a maypole we'll have....um....well maybe we can still make a wreath of branches or something. My ideal Midsummer would be a big bonfire, lots of Heathens/eclectic Pagans, a big ass cookout, a stereo, and lots and lots of mead...or other booze. That's what Midsummer is all about, after all - it's a celebration. (Hint: if Jakob and Danielle are still reading this blog, you wanna get together with us?)
I think that's all I've got. And, um....I'm officially writing a book. About Freya. I just need to do an assload more research about her following up to the late Viking Age....can anyone recommend any good books?
+ Mandy updated @ 3:47 PM
Collective Soul - Bleed
artistic
This piece is called "Authorization". It was inspired by my experience this weekend at ColossalCon.
+ Mandy updated @ 6:52 PM
Vasen - Tartilungen
procrastinating
Me and my Inuyasha group again
Me in one of Kagome's casual outfits on Sunday
Inuyasha sitting on my chair (this is where we were sitting when that assjob came up)
My thread on cosplay.com called "Gender and Decency"
+ Mandy updated @ 4:11 PM
Pearl Jam - Once
disgusted
When I was first convinced to take up cosplay as a hobby, the impression I got from Nicole about conventions - and cosplay itself - was that it was a hobby embraced mostly by fairly open minded, unprejudiced people. My experience with cosplay, and especially ColossalCon this past weekend, has led me to draw my own conclusions...conclusions that couldn't be farther from that old assumption.
Instead of attracting more open minded, intelligent people, cosplay tends to attract socially inept and completely gendered people - people that are as gendered as any good old Bush-supporting American institution.
But...this weekend has also taught me much, much more. It has showed me the meaning of friendship, it has bonded me to my friends in a way I never thought possible, and it has showed me things about my religion and about my own femininity.
I'll just get off my soapbox and tell you the story.
Friday
Nicole and I left her house sometime around five AM. We got to Columbus and met Rameana really early, and by nine o' clock we had already grabbed Lindsey and were on our way to Detroit to pick up Loki. The air was thick with humidity, and I was in the black Gothic Lolita dress I'd borrowed from Nicole for my dark Chii cosplay. Other than Nicole, everyone else was in street clothes. After a few hours, we grabbed Loki and were on our way to Cleveland. After what seemed like hours upon hours, we finally made it to our hotel. Rameana's mom had reserved the room for us and had already checked us in. Lindsey, Loki, and Rameana put on their costumes, and after another few hours, we were downstairs at the convention. Later that night, I found myself doing tarot readings for random people. One was a really sweet girl named Jessica (also cosplaying Chii) who told me I made a beautiful dark Chii. Another was some socially inept fuckhead who asked me if I was "high on goofballs" after giving him a reading. I didn't say another word to him...I just returned to my friends. I tried to make fun of him about it by asking him the same thing a few minutes later when he was talking to my friends...but that only got him started on bragging about finishing his masters. All of us spent about a half hour making fun of the twit after he left. I met yet another really pretty blonde girl that was cosplaying Chii, and the girl that I'm guessing was her sister kept asking for pictures with both of us. Friday wasn't so bad.
Saturday
It was time for our Inuyasha cosplay. I knew as I looked at myself before I left the room that I not only looked terrible but that it might be a nasty day. It was.
Lots of people wanted pictures of us, but sometime in the afternoon a girl and a guy approached us asking for pictures. We agreed and the guy left, but the girl stayed. And she stared at me. Hard.
"You're a guy!" she finally proclaimed, pointing at me.
"Uh, I am?" I replied. "Wow, that's news!" *grinning at her sarcastically for a moment* "actually, I'm not. I'm a girl."
"No you're not!"
My face darkened. "Uh...yeah. I am."
Nicole, who was sitting on the arm of my chair, started looking uncomfortably at the floor. My friends grew silent.
"But..." she said, pointing at her jawline and chin.
I sighed. "yeah, some chicks have shadow. Deal with it." I didn't think it was *that* pronounced!
She stared hard at me, skeptically.
"Lift up your chin!"
I stared at her like she'd just asked me to lift up my skirt, and I started to lift my chin when my friend Anne stepped in.
"Yeah, I've got some too." she said, lifting her chin and brushing her finger across it. "You wanna see?"
I apologized again to her for being a girl and went back to looking at something, trying to ignore her. She stayed. And stared. I looked back up a second later and noticed she was still there, staring. She reached out her hand to touch my face. I jerked my head away.
"Don't touch me!" I said. "You're being *really* rude," I said. She still stared.
"Yeah, you really are being rude," Nicole asserted. "I think you should go."
After staring at me almost sadly for a second, she walked over to Lindsey, who was sitting beside Nicole. I didn't hear this part of the conversation, except for what Lindsey said.
"Yes, she's a girl." Lindsey said as if she was explaining it to a four year old. "I went to high school with her. I've known her for six years. She's. A. Girl."
Idiot walked back over to me and said "So you're really a girl?"
"Uh, yeah!" I said to her, my eyes growing dangerous. "Seriously! The nerve! I've never fucking been harrassed like this in my life!"
"I think it's time for you to go," Lindsey said.
Nicole nodded her agreement. "Yeah. This is pretty ridiculous. I think you should go."
Idiot looked to me. "You want me to give you a hug?"
"No!" I said angrily. "I want you to get the fuck away from me!"
She looked at me like I'd just stabbed her and finally she walked away.
This is when I realized that this convention was filled with mini Jessicas.
Throughout the course of the next couple hours, she sent little scouts over under the pretense of complimenting us when all they came for was to look at me. Nicole went to go get some ramen and I approached her and asked her to delete my photo from her digital camera. She looked like she almost had tears in her eyes as she stared at me for what must have been a solid ten seconds.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Please delete it."
She did, and I thanked her and walked away.
Rameana, Mallory, and a few of my other cosplay friends, after hearing about the incident, said they wished they'd been there.
Later, after Rameana and I went to get booze and I got changed back into dark Chii for the dance, I was heckled again. Twice. It wasn't as bad, but still...the first was a younger chubby girl that came up to me and said "How long did it take me to realize you were a guy? Are these real?" she stuck her finger in my boob.
"Yes, they're real, and I'm not a guy," I said with a really ominous tone in my voice.
"Yeah, that's not a guy," Rameana asserted.
"Oh my god!! I'm so, SO sorry!!!" She quickly hugged me before I could protest. "There were a few guys walking around in skirts earlier and it's getting really really hard to tell, even with a lot of girls." I forgave her. She was nice. The next bitch didn't get off so easily. This fat thing with a thin moustache came up to me.
"So...guy or girl?"
I looked down at my long black Gothic Lolita dress, my boobs, and my strappy heels. "I'm a girl," I said insultingly.
"Oh. Okay. See, we were thinking guy, but..."
"Yeah, well, I may not be the prettiest girl in the world, but I'm sure a damn sight more girly looking than most of the women I've seen around here."
She turned and walked away. Eat that shit.
It wasn't all bad. This one guy came up to me and said "you know who you remind me of?"
I looked at him suspiciously, preparing myself for combat. "Who's that?"
"Helena. Have you ever seen that video of her..." and he went on to describe it. I thanked him, cautious relief flowing over me, as he walked away. And I really liked little Jessica and the nameless other Chii and her sister. There were some really nice people and I was really happy to meet them. I almost forgot how much I love meeting people.
Sunday
I looked bad. We sat around and didn't do much but I *did* get a chance to go out and eat with Tracy, Kim, Manda, her boyfriend Jason, and Bobbi. I really loved seeing everyone again. Bobbi is a sweetheart and I enjoyed getting to know some other people at the edge of our circle better. A bunch of us chicks are doing a cosplay of the pirates from Guilty Gear for Sugoicon in November.
But after that, I'm thinking of hanging it up. I don't think cosplay is meant for me. I don't look like Lindsay Lohan - I'm not the perfect example of complete beauty - so cosplay is gonna be hostile to me. I'm not sure I'm gonna drop it as a hobby, but I'm seriously considering it.
But my friends...oh my gods. I'm really lucky. I've met some of the best friends I've ever had online and they've come to my rescue recently. And my cosplay friends rock too...Nicole and Lindsey and Rameana came to my rescue at the con when people gave me shit. They inspired my loyalty and a serious oath of friendship. I love you guys.
I'm looking at the photos Lindsey and Mallory took from this weekend, and I really don't get it. I don't look that bad at all. I really don't. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, but...here, you can look for yourself.
Lindsey as Shippo, Rameana as Koga, me as Kagome, and Nicole as Inuyasha
This freakin fancy ass McDonalds we went to
pictures courtesy of Lindsey
Sure, I don't look my best, but I mean come on! I'm not intolerably ugly, I'm not hopelessly masculine, and I'm a damn sight prettier than at least a few girls at that con.
Urgh. I'm glad to be home. Josie gave me a nice warm hug when I came in and everything was better.
Rameana and I have a freakin monopoly on inside jokes. We're gonna make sure to wear our hospital gowns to the next rave we go to.
Thank you Lindsey. Thank you Rameana. Thank you Nicole. And thanks to all my other cosplay friends that at took up for me. Oh, and Lindsey...thanks for the Hall Cosplay Award too. *mwah* You rock!
+ Mandy updated @ 9:12 PM
Elastica - Waking Up
drying off
I just wanted to write a quick entry to say thank you to Monica and to Brandi. You're both so freakin incredibly sweet and selfless. I love both of you very much.
You've both helped me in a big way. Thank you.
::love::
+ Mandy updated @ 2:11 PM
| MANDY | ||
|---|---|---|
| M | is for | Mesmerizing |
| A | is for | Altruistic |
| N | is for | Normal |
| D | is for | Dorky |
| Y | is for | Young |
What Does Your Name Mean?
*ROFL*!! So true!! Now if I could get the thingy to show up and make it look like I didn't just type the damned thing....
+ Mandy updated @ 12:34 PM
Candlebox - 10,000 Horses
annoyed
Josie and I went to the library and spent a few hours tonight doing research on whatever. Josie was all over the place, but I was sticking specifically with conversion of Pagan Scandanavian countries - specifically Norway - to Christianity. These countries had to undergo a massive psychological shift from decentralized, loosely governed interaction between people to highly organized doctrines of behavior. People couldn't declare war based on the things they could before....they had to have very good reason to do so now.
It was an eerily fitting subject for what happened to me in the library, and what I took away from it.
Josie wanted to borrow a few books, so I tried my student ID to see if that could happen. Well, it didn't, but when the stupid bitch walked over to her supervisor to see what could be done, suddenly I was 'he'. The blonde girl wearing a pink tank top, white pleated mini, and big hoop earrings was 'he'. Yes, she was looking at my old student ID, and a picture of me from 1999, but still, did that MAKE me male?
The old me would have been like "yeah, by the way, I'm a girl", flashed her a visciously sweet smile that burned like sulfuric acid, and walked away. But tonight I did something new. I looked at Josie with a really insulted look, and looked back to the girl and said "wow...it's been a while since anyone called me 'he'." She smiled conversationally and said "oh really?" It wasn't working. As we checked out and left, I looked to Josie and said "do I really look that much like a guy?", and made sure I was well within earshot of Miss Cunt. She heard me. But Josie thinks she might have been too dense for that to have any meaning to her.
The way I reacted to her definitely reflects a new politic - a politic born of a peaceful lifestyle without the militant, aggressive influence of testosterone. It's just as bitchy, I think, but it's a lot more subtle and not nearly as direct. If that had been most women, my defensiveness would have made her feel like an ass. But that wasn't most women...she was either really dense or the nastiest skank bitch in the world. I feel like I'm in that movie "Mean Girls" and I'm communicating on an entirely different level than I ever would have dreamed. I'm not saying that being a mean ass bitch would make me less of a girl, and it's kind of a tempting thought. But it's exhausting and I'm sick of always being on the defensive. And if you look bad physically, it will only make you look worse.
But bitches like that need to be taught a lesson. I just gotta figure out how to do it.
+ Mandy updated @ 11:07 PM
Vasen - Tartulingen
kinda skank
I took Josie to get her ears pierced yesterday. She seemed to be really really excited about it - as excited as Josie could really act about anything, but I could tell it made her happy. I was happy about that. :-)
I talked to Annika online last night for a while...she's so fun to talk to! She said she might show up at Ikasucon...as none other than Chii. Me and her and Nicole will be the cutest Chiis in the whole freakin place!!
I have been on kind of a folk rock kick lately....but only Celtic and Norwegian, and especially Norwegian. I've been listening to a lot of Vasen...they're such an awesome group. The music is so fun and celebratory...it just puts you in a good mood. Mandy likes.
I think that's about it for now...now I just gotta run home and pick up Nicole...
Oh, and for anyone that cares, I posted in Brisingamen....enjoy!
+ Mandy updated @ 2:09 PM
L'Arc en Ciel - Ready Steady Go
moodless
Well, I just completed my first ritual ceremony as a priestess. I initiated Josie into Asatru. She's now officially Heathen. We didn't talk about it much on the way back. I hope this path makes her happy...
+ Mandy updated @ 7:27 PM
Belly - Dusted
half blind
Well, kids...Josie's here. And I already feel lots better. She made the statement that we're both a lot prettier in each other's company. And I think she's totally right. It's been a long time since I looked this good.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen or how long she'll stay. That'll depend on my luck on finding a job really soon. But if all goes well she might be staying in Athens for a while. That would rock. We have three now, enough to start a kindred. Finally, we can do stuff. That's really awesome - I never thought the day would come. I'm gonna formally initiate Josie when we have a nice day and an oath ring.
I'm starting to feel more like the Mandy everyone's familiar with instead of this brooding thing. But it seems I'm not alone...lots of people have had really confusing, terrible times lately. I hope it's all over.
+ Mandy updated @ 3:17 PM
Vasen - En Timme I Ungern
happy
I want to say that without the generosity and kindness of my friends to help me when I'm down, I'd be in a very different place than I am now. You've all helped me when I desperately needed it, and it won't soon be forgotten. I love each and every one of you.
And finally, I want to welcome Brandi to the following of Freyja and to Asatru. Today is a really happy day in her life (I hope) and a really awesome one in mine too. Congratulations!!!
+ Mandy updated @ 6:45 PM
Goo Goo Dolls - Naked
uncertain
Josie flies out tonight and I'll be picking her up tomorrow. At least I'll have her for the next two weeks and maybe being around her will make me feel alive again.
Yesterday I refilled my script for progesterone (thanks to the kindness of Nicole) and I took a cleansing bath, so one of those two things helped make my dreams a lot clearer last night.
I don't know what's gonna happen to this blog. When I look at it, I don't feel the connection, the click I used to. It isn't me anymore. Transition was a fool's errand and I realize now that I accomplished very little of what I set out to accomplish, with the exception of deceiving myself for all these months into believing something that wasn't true. I'm infinitely happier than I would have been - I'm medicated now and I'm living how I want to live, but something is still missing, something I had for a while and lost. Either I'll make a new layout for this blog that suits me better or I'll abandon it entirely. I'll know soon.
Best of luck to all of you, and if you're in my circle, I'll talk to you soon.
+ Mandy updated @ 9:20 AM
Alice In Chains - Would?
anguished
There's some belief in Asatru in a higher self - a "god self" almost - a being that is the ultimate core of who you are no matter what your physical body looks or acts like. This is a part of Asatru belief that I have validated with my own observations, at least of myself.
My observations: I have a gythia (higher self, also the word used for "godwoman"), and I have seen this part of myself. I believe some other people have higher selves, especially those that are pulled in a spiritual direction. The existence of a higher self can easily explain transgenderedness in some people...if the higher self is one gender and the physical form another, that can cause lots of problems.
My personal observations: Midgard is a shithole nowadays, at least the part I live in. People are empty, devoid of real life or compassion, with no real sense of themselves. The streets are filthy and all hope is gone from around us. It's really really hard for me not to internalize this dark world and believe that it truly matters. It's hard for me to not take people seriously, to realize that I am one person and this body represents another. I am not my body, and therefore I am not - nor was I ever - transsexual. That label only belongs to this body, this life, this person whose life I live out day after day until I can finish what I set out to do and go back where I belong. It's too easy to sink into being this girl named Mandy, too easy to feel her pain stab me, too easy to feel her despair cloud my heart, too easy to *become* her feelings of failure.
Then again, I look at her and realize that I really do love her. She's sunny and she's beautiful. She's hope personified. I just get so close to her that when she looks in the mirror and sees what she used to be, I get sad along with her, the despair encompasses both of us until neither can see anything else.
Final thought: Karen was really onto something when she said that a priestess has to become detached to be truly effective. She's 100% right. I wanna take that one step further though. In order to be truly effective myself, I have to become detached...from myself and from all of Midgard. This body is flawed and imperfect. This body is worm food. Let men ogle and drool, or let them whisper when I pass, let them try to take my sense of security. They're probably just bodies anyway with no real core.
Detaching yourself from yourself. I think that's it.
Diana Paxton quoted someone on her page about Freyja. This person was a priestess of Freyja that mentioned being subjected to the "twin fires of pain and transformation." Is this what the poetic edda meant when it referred to Freyja being burned in Odin's hall? Was that experience some kind of metaphor to finding a spiritual answer?
Wow. I need some time to puzzle this out.
+ Mandy updated @ 6:21 PM
Republica - Ready To Go
bored
Michelle kinda inspired me with a post of hers a few days ago. Here's some random facts about me (some of them dark secrets) that you may or may not know...or care to know.
-From second grade till early in sixth, I was leader of a paramilitary organization at my school and in my neighborhood. We organized search parties for those we couldn't find, we organized scouting trips to scout out new patches of woods we'd never been in, and we divided the playground into sectors and could force people to leave if we wanted to conduct training exercises.
-I was a cute kid (if I do say so myself) but I developed really shitty self esteem because until I was in ninth grade, girls wouldn't go anywhere near me, at least in a lovey way. I didn't have my first girlfriend (of whom you all know now) until I started meeting people from another school.
-I was in eighth grade when Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was angry and devastated. I didn't wash my hair for two or three weeks in some attempt at showing my disgust for the world - and for my parents.
-I read the morning announcements in twelfth grade. I would make it sound like a real newscast, reporting on important stories like the pigeons that hung out in the courtyard and shit everywhere.
-Until I transitioned, none of my D+D characters were female. I had some powerful denial goin on.
-When I re-converted to Paganism at nineteen, I followed Diana, the Roman goddess of hunting and forests, until I found Freyja. Diana treated me like an orphan or a friendly stray dog.
-When we were in tenth grade, Jen offered to dress me up all girly and make me over. It hit a little close to home. I freaked out and refused. The night I came out to her as trans, she remembered that and we laughed about it.
-Pink Floyd became my favorite band late in eighth grade. I've loved them ever since.
-I was a DJ my sophomore year at one of the two college radio stations here at OU.
I coulda sworn I had more stuff than that.but I guess I don't....
+ Mandy updated @ 12:43 PM
Loreena McKennit - The Mummers Dance
breathtaken
I don't think a lot of you will understand what I'm talking about, but some of you might.
Have you ever looked at photos of someplace and felt a sense of rapture, something that grabs you and won't let go? I was looking at photos of Norway last night on Getty Images and I felt that rapture. Some of these photos are weird and random, but there was still something about them that grabbed hold of me.
A stream.
Ignore the pigs and look at the meadow. The meadow really struck me.
This is Tromso, the most northerly city in the world.
The town of Lillehammer at night.
A sign.
I wanna go so bad. There is a dark, quiet beauty in these photos that has totally enchanted me. I don't know how feasible the goal is, but when I leave the country, this is where I want to go.
+ Mandy updated @ 11:55 PM
Green Day - American Idiot
contemplative
Wow. I've got lots to say.
Let me start by saying...Karen is a Pagan priestess with a system of beliefs all her own. Monica and Rameana are Christians. I am Heathen. Why do we never argue? It's simple. We all realize a couple of key facts.
1. Everyone finds their own truth. The spiritual people of the world have some truths of existence presented to them in a specific way, unique to them. I realize, just as the two of them do, that one woman's (or man's) truth can't apply to another person, because all of us are unique and we don't see the world through quite the same lens. I was called, for one reason or another, and the gods presented things to me a certain way. Priestess K found truth in her belief in magick. Monica and Rameana found truth through Christ's teachings. All our beliefs are completely valid - they're just different ways of finding truth. I'll get back on that point in a second.
2. They're not - and I'm not - self righteous enough to believe that a truth I find is going to work exactly the same for them - if it even worked at all - and so we don't force our religions upon one another. We trust that the other person found harmony in their way, and that that lens of seeing the world is perfect for them. This is why I don't argue with people. First off, I'm not very good at arguing. Second, I see no point in it. At the end all the two parties will be is flustered and offended and hurt, and neither side will see the way the other wants them to see.
What I'm gonna say here is really inflammatory.
I feel bad for skeptics (not you, Paul - you have respect). Why? Skeptics are lost souls who believe that the little sphere they're trapped in is all of existence...they're spiritually sad because they've surrendered hope and accepted that this is all they'll ever be. Most of them aren't totally atheist - they have science as religion. And science is just as flawed as any other faith - it only pretends to have all the answers. They argue and point fingers and get totally worked up trying to refute another person's truth in some desperate hope to find their own. They're like the trannies that drag you down to make themselves feel better. They're actually no better than fundementalist Christians - they'll try to convert you to their way of thinking by totally bashing everything that gives you hope. It's very shortsighted to believe that your path is the only one for everyone.
Priestess K and Monica and Rameana have found absolute conviction, or at least I'd guess they have. They're secure enough in that conviction to leave others alone and let them come to their own truths when they're ready. We could all exist in harmony if we just had faith in each other to trust that they're right if they feel it enough inside.
+ Mandy updated @ 4:35 PM
The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary (the cd Brandi made for me)
tired
Wow. Brandi just left...and the Mike's Hard Lime she brought put me down. And I only drank a half a one! I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, needless to say.
Brandi is a really sweet woman. She's just....really really kind....I can't put my finget on it exactly. She just has this vibe like she's always listening to you, always there when you need her. She's someone that doesn't say *lots* but when she does talk she has something nice to say. She has to be pretty nice to drive all the way down here to hang out with *me* for a day.
So what did we do? Nothing exciting like shopping or anything like that...we chilled for a while, listened to music, and talked...lots. Lots of talking. I made her watch Chrono Crusade and we went out to Strouds and walked around and ended up sitting in her car for what was probably an hour, just talking about religion. I feel like I'm doing my job well when people have lots of questions for me and I'm able to answer them all with some semblance of sense. She had lots of questions about my own particular experiences and I actually opened up and told her, something I'm not comfortable doing with a lot of people. I guess part of me is still afraid people will think I'm crazy...I've witnessed some things that are hard to believe. But she seemed to take me seriously...which meant a lot. She's a relaxed, observant person - in contrast to my bouncyness....I don't know how she stood being around me!
Anyway hanging out with her was lots of fun and I'm glad I had the opportunity to do so. Thank you, Brandi!!! :-)
+ Mandy updated @ 7:53 PM
drunk guys yelling really loudly/gunshots/explosions
exasperated
As all of you know, Nicole and I live with two guys. These guys are loud enough every day. Very loud.
But now they're drunk.
I sat up for a while watching a movie, enjoying the peace and quiet. Brandi is coming to hang out tomorrow so I figured I'd get some sleep so I could get up early and start getting ready. I had turned off the movie and walked into the bathroom when I heard the door open. I heard the loudest, drunkest college guys you can imagine walking through my door, into my nice, quiet apartment. They came in, hanging all over me, insulting each other, and now they're playing Counterstrike. As loud as ever. And they're yelling.
Brandi and I have one thing going for us tomorrow - these freaks will probably be hung over half the afternoon if we're lucky.
A girl can always hope.
+ Mandy updated @ 2:39 AM
silence
inspired
Looking for Brisingamen is online. Yes, finally!
And I wrote a post for all of you that have asked me questions about Freya, to all of you that have been curious in the least about Her and have wondered how I could have such devotion. It's a short post, don't worry, and it's at the top. It's specifically directed at two of you...you know who you are...;-) But yeah, please go read!!! :-)
So please, PLEASE don't worry! I'm not gonna get territorial or jump down your throat. Quite the opposite!!
And...should I put a tagboard up on there?
+ Mandy updated @ 12:07 AM
Utada Hikaru - Hikari
wet from the shower
This entry is gonna go everywhere. After three weeks off progesterone my mind is really clouded and weird.
First off, I think you're all teaching me something endlessly important and decisive in my life. You're all teaching me generosity and you're teaching me to let go of guilt that comes with loved ones and friends wanting to help me. It's something that was drilled into my head as a child by my parents, and when I really think about where that came from, I realize that as a life lesson it's probably pretty useless. Life lessons from tyrants and people of hate aren't life lessons at all. They're things that cripple you.
Secondly, I want you all to know that I only whine like this when I feel *really* apocalyptic. All of you have taken me very seriously and have listened and offered kindness to me that I never thought possible. You're all helping me get over hurdles that were really holding me back. Thank you *so* much.
Life itself is honestly no better, but I at least feel a little better now. I'm surrounded by some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and slowly people are coming around I didn't think would. Bobby, my cousin...you all know who Bobby is. Well I was talking to him today and he ended the conversation with "....thanks Mandy." And I could tell he meant it. That made me feel all warm. I was genuinely astonished and happy. I can't help but think Leslie played a small part in this...;-) His only caveat was..."If I call you Mandy you gotta call me Death Machine." I agreed. That seemed reasonable, I suppose. :-)
I feel blessed. I really do.
Thanks, everyone.
When I get back tonight I wanna follow up and use Michelle's example for my post...the whole "random things you didn't know about me." That sounds fun. :-)
+ Mandy updated @ 4:33 PM
Castlevania - Lost Painting
clouded
I think I figured it out. At least part of it.
Remember how I told you I felt unstoppable before the attack and now I've felt sick and crippled ever since? Well I was reading a book last night that I've come very much to rely on, and I flipped right to a page on cleansing. The paragraph I read talked about "special" cleansing being necessary after particularly violating, painful, or humiliating experiences. Then it clicked. I've been carrying around a taint, a sickness, ever since this happened. It's crippled my interactions with people, it's crippled my spells, it's crippled everything. So now I have to cleanse myself, but to do that I have to have my stuff, which is back in Chillicothe at my grandma's house. I asked Nicole to get it for me this weekend.
If it works this could make a difference in my life before and my life after.
+ Mandy updated @ 12:33 AM
keyboard
holding back tears
I've been thinking more and more about my situation here. I've been telling myself for the last three months, SIX months, that things would eventually get better. I've been hanging onto that hope, and my hopes are unfounded. Things have only gotten worse. I can't turn to my family for ANY help now, Nicole's parents are tapped out, and for some reason, all of a sudden, passing has become an issue again.
I'm hanging on here in Athens and I'm dying more and more every day. Things are getting worse...and worse....and worse.
A week or two ago I kind of toyed around with the idea of just packing up and going somewhere, never looking back. I could find a job in a town where no one knew me, where it was *easier* to find a job in the first place, and where I could get a new start. At first I laughed at myself. Now I can't think of a more tempting idea. If I knew how to survive on my own during a really long trip, if I had the means, I would go right now.
+ Mandy updated @ 8:14 PM
Ayumi Hamasaki - July 1st
stressed
Well, I think I've come to a decision on what to do with this blog and how to handle my....um...preachy priestess instinct. PS will stay. What I will do one day when I finally have the time is switch the daily content of this blog to another blogspot site and keep writing. PS will then become an archive where trans-curious people can read about....stuff. I'm gonna keep writing casually about everything here, and the hardcore Freya commentary will go into a new blog called "Looking For Brisingamen" that's specifically designed for that. I know my friends don't care one way or another, but don't breathe that sigh of relief yet, casual reader. If you're only here to read about trans stuff, then you might be a little bored from now on unless you've read my archives and my story. When I finally get "Brisingamen" online I'll be sure to post the link. I can think of two people right off hand that might read it regularly, but I might just be surprised....;-)
I have decided that so far I love being a spiritual guide. I know I haven't been faced with anything really challenging yet, other than arguing with a 90 year old Christian woman that wasn't even aware that there were any religions outside Christianity. I don't know how well I'd handle a real spiritual challenge, like giving comfort after the death of someone's loved one. I actually think a lot of people get offended at me sometimes. I think those people are the easily offended ones anyway, but still. I think that's probably one of my bigger challenges as a spiritual leader...dealing with those who want answers, but don't want to hear them at the same time. But, wow....when people come to me actually wanting answers, actually wanting guidance...that's one of the awesomest feelings in the world. That person is really putting some trust in you...they're trusting you to tell them the right thing, to not guide them the wrong way, but most of all, to me anyway, they're trusting you to trust *them*. Mainstream Judeo-Christian faiths don't do that - they tell you all the answers and say "now believe." I think that when someone can overcome the sting and the insult of that being drilled into your head for years and years, and they come to you wanting guidance away from that, that's a big honor and a big responsibility for a priestess. Faith is so incredibly powerful, and you don't realize how powerful it is until you have it.
Well I guess I'm gonna make one more stop at the mall today and maybe I'll get the runaround again. I'm also gonna turn in some applications at some other places. I really can't wait around any longer.
+ Mandy updated @ 1:21 PM
Minami Kuribayashi - Tsubasa wa Pleasure Line (Chrono Crusade theme)
uninspired
I call myself a priestess, but only loosely. I'm not a priestess in the same way, say, Karen is...she's been ordained twice and she's gonna have a degree in religious studies. I'm not ordained...(well I am, through a unitarian church, but I'm not ordained through the Troth yet) I'm just a practicing priestess. In Asatru, if you're a godwo/man, that's qualification enough. If you feel like you have some kind of duty or calling that you're willing to step up and accept, that's enough too. In Asatru, you're only an acting minister so much as your kindred accepts you as such. A kindred can have more than one priest/ess too...it's just whoever wants to lead the blots and ceremonies and do the kind of priest/ess stuff the community needs (funerals, marriages). So Asatru is cool because if the gods call you and you answer, that's good enough. I'll be the first to admit, though, that I've still got a LOT of work to do. Like, years. But hey, my life has a purpose now, right?
Back in the early days, before the war between the gods, Freya came to Odin's hall. Maybe Odin and his men were offended by the manner of this flirty young woman, or maybe she was too assertive and confident...maybe she was downright insulting...but for whatever reason, Odin had her seized, tied up, and tied to a stake right there in his hall...and burnt. She didn't cry out, she didn't do anything. She just burnt.....then she arose from the ashes. Everyone in the hall stood transfixed. Odin ordered her to be burnt again. Again...they burned her...and again, she arose. Odin was furious. They gathered up as much wood as they could find and they tried to light a fire so hot that no person could survive it. Well, she burnt...but she still got back up again. They couldn't kill her. What was up with this girl? This time she escaped and ran into the night...and the war between her people (the Vanir) and Odin's people (the Aesir) would soon begin...
When I was first reading up on Heathenism, I read about that encounter, totally stunned. What better metaphor could a young woman like me find for her life? What better example could I find to live by? I finally truly understood what it meant to live by an example of a deity you truly admired.
I'm reading Nicole's copy of American Gods right now, by Neil Gaiman...and when I read the part about Shadow just unknowingly channeling Mr. Wednesday's attributes, just lying really smoothly, with the skill of a god...I really really started to think. I started thinking about how, whether I consciously mean to or not (in most cases not), I'm becoming more and more like Freya every day. I'm starting to believe that your god can work through you if you let them. I've had to resist a lot of my instincts and actually try not to do some things Freya might in my situation. It's been tough but I've been able to manage.
Just one more dilemma...trying to reconcile my religion with the way my life is right now...
+ Mandy updated @ 12:05 AM
Alice In Chains - Bleed The Freak
better
Now that a shitty week is over and I'm feeling a little better, I have time to sit and reflect on what exactly happened to me, and try to figure out how to keep it from happening again.
Proceed with caution...this is gonna get a little witchy.
I was suffering an energy imbalance. At least, that's what I'm pretty sure it was. I spent all week depressed and hopelessly insecure. Every time someone so much as glanced at me on the street, it stabbed me to the core...it was like being in transition again. I felt far from my normal self...I was weak and pathetic and hopeless. On a metaphysical level, this I think was a result of my casting a healing spell and being so passionate and desperate about it that I pushed a lot of my own energy into it. I didn't have any idea what this would do to me, only that I needed to do it. My shield was already really weak from Asshole attacking me a couple weeks ago, but the spell drained me and took my sense of invincibility with it. It's been a long time since I've been that weak. This weekend I was able to fix my shield and soak up a lot of much-needed energy. I'm not perfect now, but I'm well on my way to recovery.
On a physical level, being off hormones will destroy you. For the last few months, I've been filling a script for, say, fourteen spiro tablets and taking ONE a day instead of the two I'm supposed to take. I would run out and be too poor to refill it, so I'd go three weeks without it before finding a way to fill it again. Well, over a period of time this has taken a toll on me. It's made me fill out up top (and not in my boobs either) and distributed my weight really badly. I looked in the mirror sometime last week or the week before and I just despaired....I looked awful. Jessica would have been happy looking at me. Thanks to someone amazingly awesome, I was saved the day I ran out this week. (thank you!! *glomp*) I'm slowly starting to look better after having half my dosage the last two weeks (instead of nothing at all). Hopefully by the time I run out again I'll be able to fill it. I really don't want to go without them anymore. I really can't.
No word on the job.
I hung out with Nicole and her cousins Leslie (say hey, Les!!) and Karen (whom you all know) yesterday. I drove up to City Center to see if the Victorias Secret up there would exchange my bra. Well, they didn't. We still had assloads of fun though. I got to hang out with Leslie, which was awesome. She's one of those girls that could wrap some ugly piece of fabric around herself and make it look sexy enough to put in a catalog. Being around her made me more confident. I really enjoy hanging out with Karen too. Karen is awesome...I could sit and listen to the girl talk for an hour and I'd learn SO much. Seriously, she's like a walking Religious Studies program....Karen is the priestess I aspire to be in a lot of ways and Leslie is the sex goddess I aspire to be. I think I really enjoyed it though because I've always wanted to hang out with them as myself...I knew I'd have a lot more fun because I could be myself and they'd enjoy things more because it would just be a bunch of girls, instead of a bunch of girls and...a guy. I'm surprised that we didn't all hang out till now....I'm amazed that it wasn't a lot earlier.
Oh and Stan called Nicole's over the weekend and left a message on her machine like "I don't know if she - or he - would want to talk to me but I just figured I'd try". And he's right. I don't know if I will or not. I almost wanna call the little shit just to see what he has to say. I'm in no hurry to have people like that in my life again.
As for what I said last week about shutting down this blog and starting a new one with a different theme....I'm still thinking about it. I'm not sure. I'm gonna finish my graphic and put the layout together and see what it looks like. I still expect all of my friends to read!!! I just don't want to deal with the trans crap anymore, at least not as much. I just want to get on with my life.
My pirate name is:
Red Mary Kidd
Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.
+ Mandy updated @ 9:40 PM
silence
okay
Michelle, thank you. That was seriously a very sweet thing of you to do for me. And yes, it did cheer me up - quite a bit!!!!
+ Mandy updated @ 9:47 PM
Aikawa Nanase - Owari nai Yume
completely distraught
You want a peek into my head? You want one? Here's a peek.
I think the lady where I'm applying did a background check on me. I think she found out Mandy isn't my legal name. I think she thinks I'm a man just applying as a woman because I feel like I have to. I think she thinks I'm a joke, a parody. I think she hired a man just to make a statement. I think she's on the fence about hiring me because she thinks I'm a weird, creepy liar. And ya know what? I also wouldn't be surprised if she was PISSED because she didn't clock me, because it didn't occur to her until she checked my name!
I think that the last of the hope is dripping out of the bottle in tiny little drops.
If I get this job, I have a feeling now that it won't be because of my charm, my good looks, or even the hopes and prayers of all the loving, caring people in my life. I won't say any more.
+ Mandy updated @ 9:43 AM
Ayumi Hamasaki - About You
thoughtful
Neil Young said that it's better to burn out than fade away. Lots of people have proven that...Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin...I think Neil Young was a genius for saying something that everyone has to learn sooner or later in their lives.
Okay, I'll stop being vague and get right to the point. I'm wondering how much more I honestly have to say or contribute. I'm thinking and thinking and I'm not coming up with anything. Everything I want to say these days has more to do with religion and my role in my own faith. My transsexual experience isn't over so much...I mean I've transitioned socially and I'm full time but I've still got the physical stuff left to do...finishing electro, getting surgery. But...since that stuff is impossible right now, the focus of my life has switched to what it should be...at least serving as a priestess in what ways I can, even if I'm not so much a religious leader yet. In the not too distant future it's gonna also involve getting out of Athens...and maybe one day out of the country. My relationship with one of my closest online friends is deteriorating. I'm starting to wonder if it's not time to move on, switch the focus of my life to tasks that aren't already completed and questions that aren't already answered.
Don't freak out, everyone...I'm not gone yet. It's not even something I've thought out with any detail. It's just something I'm pondering.
On a completely different note, Josie, let me know how you're doing as soon as you can. I'm worried sick about you. Let me know and I can give you Nicole's cell number if you need to get a hold of me...
+ Mandy updated @ 10:12 PM
Ayumi Hamasaki - Naturally (remix)
kinda skuzzy
Hmmm....Cosmo's quiz this month refers to me as a "simmering seductress." That rocks. ;-)
I am so not getting enough sleep recently. Stress and stuff keeps me awake hours into the night, I get up after a few hours of sleep to take Nicole to work, and I come home and don't get all that much sleep before my rude-as-hell roommate gets up to play with his new speaker set. He's like a six year old with a new toy. Nicole and I have to remind him e v e r y s i n g l e n i g h t to turn down his music. This morning, he barely turns it up and I've got tear-jerking J-pop piano reverberating in my room. I'd slept for an hour and then three before I took Nicole to work so I was cranky and pissed. I have a stereo hooked up to my computer too, kids. I got up and turned on some Megadeth at kind of a medium volume...it was probably loud enough to hear outside. After cranking out a couple of really angry songs, the mp3's stopped and Kiet's room was silent. He must have taken the hint. I'm getting sick of someone else determining my schedule for me by when *they* want to crank up their music. If it happens one more time it's gonna be "wake up with Ministry" day.
Gods, I can't wait to get out of this apartment.
+ Mandy updated @ 3:05 PM
silence
complete
Okay, for those of you curious about my life before this blog, or curious about how much of my life I *didn't* write in those early days (which was a lot), I finally finished my article! Click here to read!
+ Mandy updated @ 11:25 PM
silence
dread
I went to the mall today to check on everything.
All of you know I can be pessimistic when it comes to protecting my fragile sense of hope, but I'm definitely very worried.
A very hot guy stood behind the counter - one I had never seen before - and gave me a look that on any other day might have made me wet myself on the spot. But today, it did nothing for me.
I walk up to the manager and she says something like, "I haven't made any decisions yet...my main concern was getting a management position filled - which I did - but I haven't decided anything else yet. I'll have made a decision by the end of the week."
What does that sound like to you?
+ Mandy updated @ 5:44 PM
I fixed that link. I never meant for one of my links to go to microsoft.com.
+ Mandy updated @ 2:57 PM
Chrono Crusade gospel (soundtrack)
tired
New links, everyone! They're everywhere. Inspired by a couple of you being a little more curious about my faith than I expected anyone to be (I didn't think anyone cared!), and by seeing Karen's shiny new blog on the history of Egypt and getting inspired, I posted some more Heathen links. A lot of what I posted is about Freya in particular, but if you lurk around the Troth's website it's easy to pretty much get a feel for a lot of what goes into the religion. The Troth's articles are all really scholarly, well written, and well documented....which means they're not always the most readable and exciting, but they definitely answer questions. The "Lady of Love and Life" link I posted is a more interesting read...her rituals seem kinda Wiccany, in my humble opinion, but her description of who Freya is and what she's all about is really good.
That being said, let me address a potential issue before it comes up. If any of you should go off and start doing your own research on Asatru (for whatever reason) you'll probably come across some language that might disturb you. When I was on my first research kick, I found out that when Asatru began to revive in the late sixties and early seventies there was one big Heathen group here in the US that dealt with everyone in the faith. Well, just like all congregations, this one split and became two organizations - The Troth and the Asatru Alliance. Now, the Asatru Alliance scares me a little bit. As I read through their website, there was a lot of talk about Asatru being the racial religion of the European people. Yeah....that sounds a little disturbing, doesn't it? I mean, sure, it is almost an entirely European phenomenon, and yes, it *was* the *ANCESTRAL* religion of the northern and western Europeans, but you have to be a complete moron to believe that only people with white skin are ever called by the Gods. That's insane. That skin of yours is made up of carbon dust...it's totally physical. It's your spiritual identity and direction that will choose your faith for you - I personally believe there's a LOT that goes into determining what deity - and what path - you follow, and with some people, ethnicity might matter. To me, I think ethnicity only matters so far as you can relate, or not relate, with the ways of a particular pantheon. Like, okay...in my experience as a witch I related very little with the Roman and Greek pantheon and the Celtic gods seemed strange and alien to me. It wasn't until I found Heathenism that something clicked in me....not only did it seem comfortable, but it also seemed almost familiar...the things Heathens hold most dear are things already in my personality. Not to mention Freya felt like an older sister....
Anyway, I digress. Out of the two big organizations now that kindreds (like a coven for Heathens) register with, the Troth seems more appealing to me. They seem less concerned with what you look like and more with how well you'll represent the gods - and the faith.
Now that I totally lost my train of thought....this is what happens when I wake up early....
I noticed yesterday that something has been....off....about me recently. I can't explain it. I felt so powerful and awesome last week and yesterday I notice that I'm hunching over more, I feel vulnerable again to looks I get on the street, and I just basically feel insecure. I was completely secure until I was attacked, but I think that messed with me somehow. I dunno...I can't explain how all of a sudden I'd go from miss confident and become the Mandy of four months ago. I don't like it though...I thought I was safe in my self-assuredness and here I am, looking in the mirror and feeling ugly and getting flinchy and panicky if someone stares a second too long. I just wish I knew what was wrong....
+ Mandy updated @ 8:51 AM
Bowling For Soup - 1985
wondering why I'm awake
First thing: In the last month I've gotten more new readers than I ever thought I'd have - or would know what do to with. A few of those are becoming pretty awesome friends, and the rest, I hope, readers that will stick around.
Gods, I can't think this morning. *shakes fog off*
Anyway, there was a point...oh, yeah. A lot of you have mentioned to me that you're going back through my archives, trying to follow the story of my transition. It isn't easy, is it? Half this blog is transition during its darkest years, half of it is me bitching or telling Nicole to shut up or telling someone off. So, dear reader, I have done something for you. I decided to set aside a special blog page just to give you the basic story...how everything started, what I did about this or that, or whatever. Not only is it easier to read than MY ENTIRE ARCHIVES but it gives you the whole story...like stuff that went on before this blog existed. And then if you want to go back and search in a particular year for something, then it's a lot easier to do. I'm not finished yet (I'm still writing about 2000), but if anyone wants to see the link, lemme know and I'll post it.
Lesson I learned this weekend: Once you set yourself to something, you should never let anyone convince you to go back on that. I won't get any more detailed here, but let's just say my weekend was not fun.
Oh, and a lot of you thought I went to Acen, didn't you? Hahaha...noo....Nicole and I are waaaay too poor for that. We tossed the idea around not long after Ohayocon, but we decided that if we were gonna go to a big con, then it had to be Otakon, which is in August. ColossalCon is in Cleveland in like two and a half weeks or so, and then there's one in July called Ikasucon. We're not gonna buy admission badges for that one. No sense in it. We're too poor. What I was actually trying to get at was, we had friends that *were* gonna go, but couldn't make it, and we were gonna try to get together with them. I wanted to hang with Rameana and Lindsey and Paul and maybe even Loki-sama this weekend, but I forgot Loki's car is broken and if she were gonna drive anywhere it woulda been Acen. Oh, and speaking of broken cars, Nicole's car broke so I brought the cavvy down and I get to drive around this week. Fun fun. :-)
Anyway, in response to Colleen's post, I just wanna say I love all my new online buds. You are all totally sweet! *gushes* We all oughtta be like genetic female lesbians and form a clique and make anyone that tries to make friends with us feel rejected and stupid.
*hopes her friends catch her humor*
+ Mandy updated @ 9:20 AM
Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground
not sure
Gods....drama on the weekend, drama during the week. I'm a drama magnet.
This weekend is Acen, and one or two of my cosplay buds aren't gonna end up going....(Loki-sama and Rameana....you two better be reachable!!) Nicole and I are gonna try to get a hold of these two (cause I think Lindsey is actually going) and maybe we can hang out Saturday. And Kat is coming to Chilli, so I'm gonna give her a buzz tonight and see if she wants to hang out for a while - hopefully, HOPEFULLY - she will. We'll see.
Thanks for being awesome this week, you all. You kick tremendous ass.
+ Mandy updated @ 1:10 PM
Alice In Chains - Got Me Wrong
thoughtful
Michelle's post on family kind of provoked this entry by getting me thinking about what position I've taken on the whole situation. Speaking of Michelle, she is helping me out in a HUGE way and I can't possibly thank her enough. Thank you, MIchelle....I'll think of some way to repay you!
Recently I've been confronting the whole family situation too (obviously). I've come to realize that I transitioned, and now most of my family is gone, plain and simple. Especially my parents. I now have no immediate family, two grandmothers, a great grandmother, and maybe a cousin or two that have decided to stick it out with me. I have a whole shitload of other people that either don't know or wouldn't want me anyway. And being a priestess in a religion where family is EVERYTHING, it's kind of a dilemma for me. Do I go through life with only the totally kickass friends I've made since transition, or do I make a family for myself?
I know many people that would argue that you don't *make* family....that the bonds of family are in blood and blood alone. I think that's total bullshit. I think that goes against everything I've done in the process of becoming the woman I am now, and I think it goes against a core philosophy of mine - that you can become - literally - anything you wish to be. To me, nothing is constant and nothing is unchangeable....especially in light of my own parents insisting that I'm not their child. That alone seems a good enough argument for me to make a family for myself.
There's someone who reads this blog that is in the process of deciding whether or not to become my sister. In my religion, you can swear brother- or sisterhood, and it's every bit as binding as having a normal sibling in the eyes of the clergy, the gods, and anyone else in the same faith. (In the old days, it was binding in the eyes of the law too) It would change our relationship forever - we wouldn't be friends in the same way we were before....we would be sisters. While I'm not sure if she'll ultimately decide this is what is best for her, I like the idea that I might not be alone forever in terms of having family there to guide and support me.
So to sum up, I'm glad I'm not the only trans person that has seen it necessary to make a new family for themselves. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling alone.
A completely random quote...
Nicole: "You *are* a sorority girl. You're blonde, you wear pink, and you eat nothing but salads."
+ Mandy updated @ 7:12 PM
L'Arc en Ciel - Ready Steady Go
stunned
Wow. Just...wow.
You people are amazing. There's so much loving energy coming my way that now I feel like some kind of vortex of love. Seriously...I feel like I can't contain it all. And no, it isn't all energy you're sending me by just saying 'hey Mandy, I hope everything is okay, I'm thinking about you.' Some of you are just sending the energy itself and some of you...well I won't go there. But it's not a bad thing!
I have to keep this all vague, so I'm sorry to those of you (probably all of you) in the dark. Cause I mean, some of the energy is just like, affectionate love, which is great. But some of the energy is like "I wanna rock you all night long" love, which would be great if I weren't desperately trying to keep a hold on my relationship - and on myself. Because I honestly don't know how to handle this energy.
I'm not asking you to stop - by any means. I don't think most of you are all that magickally oriented so I doubt it's something you're doing on purpose anyway. This is more a 'me' thing...this is more something I'll have to learn to deal with on my own....because the way I *have* been handling it has led to Nicole saying to me "you're like a fucking sorority girl."
+ Mandy updated @ 12:52 PM
Live - All Over You
bleh
God, I'm sorry, guys. I've been wanting to blog since this weekend but either I don't have anything to say or I just can't articulate. Not much is going on...
Michelle said it's like a must to get my prospective boss a thank you card to follow up the interview. I'm gonna go run and do that, now that I feel like an ass. She gave me a weird look when I went in to update my references...I don't know if she was just frantic and busy or she saw the bruise on my forehead and chin or what...or if she's already done a background check on me and found out.....nevermind.
I know I've at least talked with Brandi about whether or not there are nice guys out there that wouldn't care if you were trans or not, ones that would see you as a girl no matter what. I'm in a relationship so I guess I'm not going anywhere but just so you know...there are guys like that. Nice guys are hard to come by but they're definitely out there.
I miss my friends. I miss talking to Brandi and Monica. I gotta start being online more....I can't let this funk ruin my life.
+ Mandy updated @ 2:52 PM
Our Lady Peace - Starseed
feeling better
First off, I wanted to say thanks. To every last one of you. Every one of you that commented and messaged means the world to me and I hope I get the chance to be a friend in return to all of you. Thank you.
I feel like you should know, though, that it's not like me to bitch and moan. Telling my sob story and getting sympathetic feedback makes me feel a little guilty...it's like, who am *I* to make these people take time out of their day to express concern for *me*? My therapist attributes that to the way I was raised - to feel like I wasn't important - but I just didn't want you to think I was a pisser and moaner.
But no, seriously, I couldn't respond in the tagboard to each of you - it would take forever for you to read - but I freakin almost cried when I read all the wonderful, amazing things all of you had to say. Seriously, my eyes were filling up. I appreciate it *so* much and I hope I can be half the pal that all you guys have been.
Thank you.
+ Mandy updated @ 9:07 PM
Collective Soul - The World I Know
sick of the taste of tooth enamel in my mouth
Well guys, I went home this weekend pretty happy. I took a nap at Nicole's Friday night and I kept having dreams about my interview that day....how well it went, how good I felt about it, and how happy I was. All your good wishes and prayers and hopes got me through it and things look optimistic. So naturally I spent most of the weekend thinking about that, excited about a new lotion smell I really love, and enthralled with Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, which I was playing when all this bullshit happened.
I'm sitting in my grandma's basement Sunday afternoon, just chillin, playin my game. My grandma told me at some point that Asshole (you all know who) would be in to do...something menial, I don't even remember. I was like, okay fine whatever. So I'm sitting there playing my game and he comes downstairs calling for me. I'm like, okay, this isn't cool....so I answer. He comes down, getting himself worked into a lather about how I'm telling Nicole's parents "lies" about my getting thrown out (what the hell, right?) and about how he TOLD me to not be bringin that sheeit around here, embarrasin him. Just like you right now, I didn't have any idea what to say to such blatantly arrogant idiocy. I just responded with "who are *you*?" Then he TOLD me again to stop using "that voice" around *him*. No, no, no. You don't tell me what voice to use or who to be. I refused. Then he came around the chair toward me. I stood up...and he hesitated. Rule number one about bullies: they're like vultures...they only like weak prey. Someone that stands up to them changes everything. Finally, after a few seconds, he worked himself back into a frenzy again...and that's when he attacked.
Now, I'm not gonna go into every exact detail about what happened - those of you whom I know can ask me privately - but let's just say I didn't go right down and I didn't beg him to stop. Actually, I didn't say a word. I took his punches for a few seconds before he tackled me and started beating me in the temples with his fists. Nicole pointed out that you don't hit someone in the temple unless you want to kill them. That could very well be true. Anyway, he finally got a little tired and got up, and I stood up right after him. He looked back at me...and I grinned at him. He came at me again, this time just tackling me and saving himself the trouble of hitting me first. Two packs of cigarettes a day sure kills your stamina, huh? He's not as young as he used to be. Anyway, this time he decides to try pulling my hair out. He managed to free about one of his ogrish handfuls of hair in between punches...(whew, beating up a transgender girl half your size sure is a lot of work for a smoker in his late forties, isn't it?) I must have stood up too quickly after he tired out because he decided it was necessary to step on my back and force me back to the ground. There. Victory, right? Nah. My grandma is screaming the whole time, hysterical, begging him to stop. I'm like, "It's okay, grandma, it's the only thing he knows how to do. Did that make you feel like a man?!" I asked him. His only response was "yeah." I smirked again. That's when I went to pick up the phone to call the cops and, in true ogre fashion, he snatches it from my hand and smashes it against the ground until it breaks. When he's back on the stairway, I tell him "I'll see you in court. I can't wait till you're sitting in prison." That's when he said that if I did report the crime, he'd kill me.
Tough shit. I reported it. I spent an hour last night at the police station and two hours in court today. The officer last night took pictures of my forehead, my shoulders, and my back, so the proof is there. The judge ordered a warrant for his arrest and posted a bond of $5,000 for each of his two offenses....he was charged with domestic violence (I'm still *technically* his kid) and domestic menacing - for threatening to kill me. I've also got a temporary protection order out against him...so if he comes within five city blocks of me, he can be arrested.
I gotta admit, though...I'm disappointed. I want him to suffer. I want him to suffer a lot. I don't want him to experience another moment of happiness in his little scared honky tonk truck driving republican life.
My mom's response? My grandma called her up, hysterical, after it happened and she later said my mom didn't sound at all concerned. She didn't seem to care. "What do you want *me* to do about it?" It's my grandma's opinion that my conversation with her on the phone the day before where I told her that "I don't go by [that name] anymore" was her definition of "disrespecting" her and she dispatched her drooling retarded goon to beat me up. I'll ask a favor of you right now....please don't refer to either of them as my mother or father. I don't have a mother or father. The generic "parents" is okay, but please don't imply that I have any sort of loyalty or even a bond to them. My bond of kinship with those two white trash creatures is dissolved, and I'm going to do that formally as soon as I can.
I guess as a final thought I'm just amazed. Through the whole situation, I stayed kinda numb. I just kept thinking "I wish this stupid horse would get off me so maybe I could land just one punch on him." Sure, after it was all over, I cried. Quite a bit, actually. But my head stayed cool and I thought my situation out rationally. I'm amazed that I didn't cry in front of him, and I'm amazed that the sound of the idiot yelling at me didn't melt me into a puddle of goo on the carpet. I was also amazed that as I sat in front of my altar upstairs afterward, sorting out my thoughts and getting my sobbing out, that my grandma was the one downstairs, screaming and crying. I guess I was just a little proud of myself...I've never stood up to him like that before. Sure, I got the worst beating of my life. But there were three people in that house, and only one of them was in control of her thoughts. And that was me.
And that's all it was - a beating. He wanted through so bad....he wanted to make me scream or cry or beg. He wanted to make me change my voice. He didn't get anything. This time, for the first time in the history of him being a barbaric maniac (all my life at least), I didn't feel violated when I got up. I just felt pissed, wondering when he was going to suffer. I want him to spend every day for the rest of his life in total misery, and it probably won't happen. That's the only thing that bothers me.
+ Mandy updated @ 2:21 PM
Stone Temple Pilots - Sex Type Thing
trying not to get my hopes up
Well, you all have put your hopes and prayers with me, and they helped my interview go very, very well.
I like the manager woman. She's fun, straightforward, easy to talk to, and not the least bit fake. She has inspired my loyalty, and if she hires me, she'll definitely have it. I think that's very important for a person you're working for to do. Now that I look back on it, she's exactly the kind of person Freya would send my way.
The trans issue? It never came up because she, of course, wants to finish her interviews and check references before she hires me. But I'm still holding out the hope that when I tell her, she won't care. She strikes me as someone who probably went to OU herself not long ago, and as such is probably fairly diverse and aware. I'm not sure it will be a problem.
I have to call my references now and make sure they'll vouch for me. I have Quiznos listed but I'm not sure I want to use them...I think I want to strike them from the list. Now to find another reference....
Anyway, to conclude....you all thought about me and kept your fingers crossed that things would go well for me. Thanks to each and every last one of you...you all are truly kickass...I adore the fact that you were thinking about me and pulling for me. You rock!!!!!!
And Kat, I miss ya....
+ Mandy updated @ 2:41 PM
Ayumi Hamasaki - Naturally (remix)
moodless
Lilac's comment got me thinking....a few of you have said you don't know much about anime but you'd like to get into it more. I don't honestly have anything else you'd be interested in hearing about today, so here's some different anime series you might want to check out.
really popular anime
(5 Stars) Cowboy Bebop - About a group of bounty hunters cruising around the solar system late in the next century. It has its comedic moments but I'd really consider it more of a drama, especially when it starts going into Spike's relationship with Julia, a woman he hasn't seen in a long time. This is one of those anime series that I've never heard ONE PERSON say they hate. It's probably the most popular one out there, maybe next to Sailor Moon. It's well directed and very, very well done.
(5 Stars) Inuyasha - you all have seen some Inuyasha whether you realize it or not. The schoolgirl I cosplay? The guy with white hair and a red kimono that Nicole cosplays? The wolf guy Rameana cosplays? Yeah, they're all from Inuyasha. It's about Kagome, a 15 year old girl (whom I cosplay) who stumbles on a well that takes her back to the Feudal Era in Japan. There she meets Inuyasha, a tactless half demon on a quest to recover the Shikon jewel. But when Kagome accidentally breaks the jewel, they have to travel all over Japan to find it...and find it before the evil Naraku does...
(can't rate) Naruto - it's only in Japanese right now, but it's already what you see the most at conventions. When it gets here it'll be every bit as big as Pokemon. It's an action-ey anime about ninjas. I've never watched it though so I can't give you a big review, but it *is* really popular so there must be something appealing about it...
lovey anime
(4.5 Stars) Chobits - A farm boy named Hideki has just applied to college and been rejected, so he has to go to prep school in Tokyo. Being in a big confusing city is bad enough, but then he realizes everyone has these persecoms, these computers shaped like people that can walk around and talk with you, and they're expensive. But one night Hideki finds one lying in the garbage, a cute blonde one named Chii, and he's drawn into finding out about her complex past, and he can't help but start to fall for her...(the animation in this one is some of the best I've seen.)
(2.5 Stars) Mahoromatic - A battle android retires near the end of her battery life to work as a maid for a junior high student. It's loaded with sexual innuendo and perviness.
(2 Stars) Love Hina - Poor Keitaro becomes manager of a house full of incredibly mean girls as he's trying to get into Tokyo University. He falls for a particularly evil bitch named Naru in the process. Nicole's all about this one but all it is throughout the whole series is poor Keitaro getting beaten up by Naru and some samurai bitch. I'm not really fond of this one.
action anime
(FUCKING WATCH THIS!!!) Chrono Crusade - Sister Rosette is a nun in the service of the Order of Magdalene, an order pledged to fight demons here on earth. She has bound her soul to a demon named Chrono, who was cast out of hell for reasons unknown. She can release his full power, but for every moment he's free, it takes precious time off her life. Aion and his hellish minions have kidnapped her brother Joshua, and she and Chrono are drawn into battle with them to get him back...
(5 Stars - this is a great series) Fullmetal Alchemist - Alchemy is a science in which the first law states that in order to receive something, something of equal value must be given. Ed and Al paid with their bodies when they tried to resurrect their dead mother. Ed lost two limbs and Al's soul was bound to a hulking suit of armor. Now they've joined the State Alchemists, the only people with any hope of helping them restore their bodies...
(3.5 Stars) Big O - Roger Smith is a lot like Bruce Wayne - a very rich man who fights crime. Only Roger Smith does it by climbing inside a huge battle robot named Big O. He seems to be one of the only people that wonders why no one in Paradigm City can remember anything earlier than 40 years ago....
If there's anything else you're curious about, mention it in the tagboard.
+ Mandy updated @ 3:43 PM
music from roomie's room
pissed and sad
I just found out Ohio legislators want to make ALL abortion TOTALLY ILLEGAL....EVEN TO SAVE THE WOMAN'S LIFE, EVEN IN CASES OF RAPE OR INCEST. This is how fascist a state Ohio is, this is how much Ohio wants to strip women completely down to second class citizens. A woman's life is even forfeit now! This is an outrage and this has me so angry and sad I can't even see straight. Anyone that wants to petition Ohio's lawmakers to STOP THIS NONSENSE can find the petition here....
http://www.naralohio.org/
+ Mandy updated @ 8:31 PM
Foo Fighters - Alone + Easy Target
nervous
I got an interview Friday....keep your fingers crossed for me! :-)
Oh, and the tutorial site is BY NO MEANS FINISHED, but you all are welcome to check out what I'm doing. Whenever I get time, I'm gonna share some of the little tips and tricks I use in Photoshop. I can't take credit for a lot of these - a lot of it is what other people were kind enough to share on Creative, but it's really helpful stuff. Check me out!
+ Mandy updated @ 4:33 PM
Hole - Violet
in anticipation
Okay, so I went out to see about an interview at my prospective job yesterday. I walked in and the girl greeted me cheerily and asked if I was there to see [manager's name]. I nodded. She said she wasn't in and to come in [today]. I thanked her, told her I'd be back, and left.
Well, the girl knew who I was. And the manager lady seemed to be happy last time that I kept coming in and asking about my application. Even though my resume is a complete piece of shit, I'm hoping all my optimism isn't unfounded. It's an uber-girly job I'll admit to have kind of wanted for a while, but that's exactly what worries me. I'm in a 100% better place confidence wise than I was when I started Quiznos...and transition is over and all...but I'm still worried that someone will see something I tried to cover up or start avoiding me. The manager lady seems definitely more straightforward than either of my managers at my last job were, and if she hires me and asks to see my drivers license, I'm gonna tell her straight up what's going on. And I'm gonna pray that she's gonna see me for the girl I am and not as a freakjob.
We won't know, though, until after the interview is over, and I'm going out today to see about one. Let's hope I don't weird this woman out like I did the woman at the other place I applied to.
If you ask me on aim or yahoo or whatever I'll be happy to tell you where I'm applying to. I just don't want to say on here. Assholes might still be roaming about.
+ Mandy updated @ 1:43 PM
Name: Mandy
Gender: femme
Sign: Leo
Faith: Asatru (Freya)
AIM: A Girl Encrypted
email: grungechickmandy@[REMOVE]hotmail.com
Likes....
her friends
red
faith
grunge, 90's alternative, j-rock, j-pop
feeling safe
dislikes...
conservatives
rednecks
most transgender women
parents
cowardice
blogs in my rotation
Nicole
Josie
Monica
Brandi
Michelle
Lilac
Inside Happiness, the story of my transition
A Girl Encrypted
My DeviantArt Page
spiritual stuff
Looking for Brisingamen, my blog commentary on Freya
my short article on Freya
craving
+ 
< . blue-eyed girl . >
++Mandy
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